Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This is the high leading the old right now
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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