I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
