It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
