allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
