If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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