he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
