Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
where are you?
Hypothermia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize