I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
