new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
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Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
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I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize