how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
