happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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