I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
