First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
