we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
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I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
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There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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