Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
