Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
