the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
