Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
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