Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
