I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
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