If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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