Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
