It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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