u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
