I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
