could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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