he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
