i can't believe i had my finger in that
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
