There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
