Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
