Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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