i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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