And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
