Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
