My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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