I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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