you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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