You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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