You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I want a musical about memes.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
