How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
