why didn't you poke me back
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
