Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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