R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
