He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
