I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
