why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
