I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
