I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
why do cheetos always look like penises
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
