just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
