she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Mom said you looked used
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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