just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
