Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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