I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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