Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
