You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
